The day I stopped following the male idea of power

“Who are your enemies?”

I was asked this interview question throughout my entire career. And I’d always come up blank. Every time. No enemies.

And when I failed to produce an impressive enemy list, the reaction was always the same: How can you claim to be competent if you haven’t made powerful enemies?

I came to understand this enemy thing was rooted in the male idea of power. That men tend to see winning and power like this: For me to win, you need to lose.

I came to realize that this advice to be powerful enough to have enemies was basically an invitation to turn into an aggressive bully to advance my career.

But here’s the catch. I was bullied as a kid. And it was awful. So, early on, I decided that I was never going to choose to be like the bullies who hurt me. And if that was not good for my career, so be it. I would find another way.

I often wondered if I was limiting my career by being too nice. And worried if I was supposed to feel powerful? Am I supposed to act powerful even if I don’t feel powerful? Am I doing the job of a leader wrong because I don’t feel powerful?

Even when I was in my biggest roles, where I had actual power at my fingertips — thousands of employees under my watch, millions of dollars of budget to manage, billions of dollars of revenue to keep growing — I never felt personally powerful. Mostly, I personally felt crushing responsibility.

I felt insecure about the power thing for years.

The VP Bully

Then one day, what I needed to do about this idea of acting powerful like the men became very clear to me.

I was at a client’s office on Long Island. Sitting in a small conference room were the VP of technology, who was a large, dominant type, and one of his direct reports, whom I’ll call Seth. The VP told me, “The reason we are having this problem is that Seth makes stupid mistakes. He’s not good at his job. No one listens to Seth. He screws everything up.”

Seth looked small and mortified. I was cringing and heartbroken for him. I knew what it felt like to be bullied like this. “Little Patty,” who had been bullied herself, could feel her childhood insecurities and fears bubble up watching this VP berate Seth.

I had worked with Seth on prior occasions. Seth knew a hundred times more than this VP. The problem was not Seth. This VP was a bully.

But then a really weird, creepy thing happened a bit later, when the VP walked me out, and we ran into his boss in the lobby: this bully instantly became a cowering suck up to his boss. I was appalled. He needed to abuse Seth to feel powerful, but he was afraid to be powerful with his boss.

Watching this scenario, a new thought started to brew: Wait a minute, if I am still the same insecure little kid on the inside, probably so is this jerk.

And once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it.

Forever after leaving that lobby, whenever I see a big, scary man acting like a powerful bully, I see the hurt little boy, as plain as day. I want to reach over, gently squeeze his forearm, and say, “Aw, did somebody steal your ball? Did your father yell at you for crying about it? Poor thing.”

A better way

Seeing the big bullies as fragile little boys was my first step toward understanding that there was a better way to show up as a leader than “powerful.” And with this insight, when I got bullied at work, I could mostly just step aside and let the aggression roll by instead of being crushed by it.

My mom had given me the key to keeping my self-esteem intact with bullies all those years ago. And I have used her advice for the entirety of my career and life: Bullies need to make you feel worse than they feel on the inside. It’s always about them. It’s never about you.

Once I saw these men as their own little version of Kevin or Harold, struggling with their own insecurities, I was no longer worried that they were innately gifted with a kind of power that I didn’t have access to. It made me stop worrying once and for all about feeling or even acting powerful. It just didn’t matter.

I chose to be a leader who was first and foremost kind and respectful to people. People are not productive when they are self-protecting. I focused on making people feel safe. My teams executed on our commitments. We grew the business. My organizations got more capable over time because I invested in and cared about the people.

For me, real power is not personally owned. The aggressive, bullying version of personal power is just insecurity masquerading as strength. Sharing power with others so you can get big, amazing things done together is true power. That was the sort of power I chose to cultivate and the kind of leader I chose to be.

Do aggressive bullies get ahead? Yes, of course they do. But I learned it’s not the only option. You can make a different choice. I made a different choice.

I chose not to model the idea of power that was being shown to me by the men. You might say I chose to stay “too nice”. And you know what? It did not limit my career. If anything, it accelerated it.

I was able to build a highly capable team of people who were productive and motivated because I chose to make them feel powerful. And the idea of being or acting powerful personally didn’t confuse me anymore.

I had no interest in the win-lose version of power. I just let the men duke it out among themselves, and I created my own path forward that was true to my belief that kindness and strength can go hand in hand. Because making people feel respected and safe makes them wildly productive. And on the enemies thing, I just think, if I can win and you can win, why is that not better?